Leadership Development

The Gift of Feedback – Balancing Empathy with Honesty


Feedback is a bedrock of personal and professional growth. When employed correctly, it can steer individuals toward their utmost potential. As leaders, it’s our sacred duty to guide our team members in this journey, striking a delicate balance between empathy and honesty when delivering feedback. Our employees deserve nothing less.

 

A Leader’s Challenge with Feedback

I once had a new direct report transferred from another team to my team. She was brilliant in her previous role and an expert in her field. She was known to exceed expectations and consistently delivered high levels of performance year over year. Shortly after joining our team, I observed a significant gap in her development. Though she was performing her role well, what she lacked was professionalism. Her behaviour around the office was gossipy and cliquey, and she would often make fun of others. These behaviours were going to hold her back. It was clear that as a leader, I needed to inspire a behaviour change. Her professional brand would be impacted if we could not influence and inspire a behaviour change—a career staller for sure.

Following my usual process, we discussed her green flags during a one-to-one meeting. These are her areas of strength, which she is most proud of since our last one. We then discussed her red flags. These are the areas of learning, mistakes, and watchouts which are crucial for creating a continuous culture of learning. As part of the red flag discussions, I addressed the lack of professionalism, providing examples for context and implications of the behaviour for clarity and impact. She received the feedback well during the meeting, confirming what she would do differently. However, shortly after the meeting, she went to the coffee bar and engaged in the very behaviours we had just discussed.

I went home that night feeling deeply disappointed. I had not broken through to her as I had hoped. Reflecting over the weekend, carefully considering her journey within the organisation, I realised she had never been coached before. She was not embracing the feedback; instead, she was feeling judged. Or at least that is what I thought might be happening.

On Monday, I circled back with her. I probed for other examples of leaders in her past who had provided feedback to her on her performance or behaviours. She confirmed that she had never had performance discussions before—the first aha moment.

I asked how she felt about my discussions with her and how she was experiencing the feedback she was getting from me. She shared that she was grateful for the green flag discussion but did not like the discussion around the red flags. She said she has never had a leader give her constructive feedback. She confirmed feeling judged and disappointed that she was letting me down—a ha moment number two.

 

My Aha’s!

  1. Aha Moment #1: This lack of prior coaching was triggering and created defensive behaviour.
  2. Aha Moment #2: Establish a deeper level of trust with employees so they do not feel judged but supported.

 

The Benefits of Feedback

Feedback serves multiple purposes. It helps individuals understand their strengths (Green Flags) and identify areas for improvement (Red Flags). Constructive feedback can steer someone away from potentially harmful behaviours and guide them toward more productive paths. It fosters a culture of continuous learning and development. For employees with career ambitions, like my direct report, feedback is crucial in aligning their personal brand with their professional aspirations.

 

Why Employees Get Defensive

Despite its benefits, feedback often triggers defensiveness in employees, regardless of their experience level.

Four factors contribute to this defensive behaviour:

  1. Perception of Threat: Feedback can be perceived as a threat to one’s self-esteem and professional identity.
  2. Fear of Judgment: Employees may fear being judged negatively by their peers and leaders.
  3. Past Experiences: Negative past experiences with feedback can make employees wary and defensive.
  4. Lack of Trust: Employees may doubt the feedback’s intention and validity without established trust.

Understanding these factors can help leaders tailor their feedback approach to minimise defensiveness and foster a more receptive attitude.

 

Balancing Empathy with Honesty

One common pitfall for leaders is allowing empathy to interfere with the delivery of honest feedback. When leaders are overly concerned with being liked or avoiding conflict, they can shy away from difficult conversations or fail to hold people accountable. This avoidance can prevent employees from receiving critical feedback to grow and improve. Leaning too far into empathy without balancing it with honesty can lead to unaddressed performance issues, impacting the team’s overall results.
This experience taught me a valuable lesson. As leaders, especially if we have had good leaders, we can take feedback for granted. Recognizing our employees’ past experiences regarding coaching and feedback is crucial. They need to know it is coming from a place of good intentions. They need to know we have their backs and intend to help them grow, develop, thrive, and realize their full potential.

 

The Conditions for Effective Feedback

For feedback to be effective, ensure these six conditions are met:

  1. Trust: Employees must trust that the feedback has their best interests at the heart of it.
  2. Context: Feedback should be specific and contextual, allowing the employee to understand the “why” behind it.
  3. Timeliness: Feedback should be given promptly while the context remains fresh.
  4. Constructiveness: Feedback should be actionable, offering clear steps for improvement.
  5. Balance: A mix of Green Flags for positive reinforcement and Red Flags for areas of opportunity. This balance ensures employees feel valued and motivated, building their confidence and skills one meaningful one-to-one at a time.
  6. Location: A private location where it is safe for open discussion to occur.

 

In Closing

Feedback, in all its forms, is a powerful tool for personal and professional growth. My journey with feedback has been filled with valuable, uplifting and challenging lessons. I am thankful for the leaders who have invested time in providing me with feedback. As leaders, it is crucial to balance empathy with the honesty our employees deserve. We must not let our desire to be liked prevent us from having necessary, sometimes challenging, conversations. Feedback is a gift and a reflection of one’s perspective. Embrace, understand, and use it as a stepping stone to become a better version of yourself.

If you want to create a culture of accountability and continuous learning to build skill and confidence, you can start with one-to-ones. Reach out to discuss our approach to integrating world-class one-to-ones into your organization.



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